The Laugh’s on the Best Man

Joe Durivage

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And then there was the time when we helped hatch a clever scheme that played right into the hands of the Bride and Groom, Debbie and her fiance Richard. Their reception would be up on the 15th floor of the Myrtle Beach Hilton in the Dunes Ballroom. The eastern wall of this beautiful reception site is all windows from ceiling to floor. Before night falls, you can gaze through the glass and the only thing that will meet your eyes is a panorama of ocean. It’s really reminiscent of being on a cruise, for up there, as far as one can see, there’s only the Atlantic and sky. Over the years, this lovely venue has provided the setting for many a memorable wedding celebration, but I venture to say none have ever featured the toasting segment in quite this way. During their initial consultation, Richard confided in us how his long-time friend, Mark, had accepted the honor of serving as the Best Man. But, Richard had a concern which indeed Debbie shared as well. Mark was a natural comedian, and though he could be quite funny, he enjoyed getting drunk, especially at parties and social gatherings, like . . . weddings.  And, when Mark drank, he was notoriously famous for turning on his comedic wit, and embarrassing folks. Well, Richard and Debbie both imagined what it could be like during the toast, featuring Mark and a microphone. It made them shudder. Mark was Richard’s really close friend, and a really nice guy, and incidentally, bore an uncanny resemblance to Dean Martin, but they still dreaded the thought of him leading off the toasts. So, what could they do? Putting their heads together, they started discussing various ideas. They knew it was inevitable that Mark would start off the toast with a joke. The key would have to be to devise a plan that would discourage him, quickly, right from the outset. What they came up with got them laughing, as they envisioned how well it could work. They surmised, by stopping their guests—all their friends and family, everyone in attendance, from responding to anything Mark did or said, he not only wouldn’t be encouraged, but he would become flustered and experience what every standup comedian dreads—nobody laughing, and much worse, nobody even responding. Now, how could we make this happen?

The day of their wedding, we met Richard and Debbie and their wedding party outside the Dunes Ballroom in readiness for the Grand Entrance. We were able to spot Mark right away. Just as he was described, Mark was a picture of a young Dean Martin, complete with a drink in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. Very personable and charismatic, he seemed self-assured, a little cocky, and was already pretty tight. After the Grand Entrance, it was time for the meal. While folks were seated for dinner, we methodically went around to each table and casually let everyone in on what Debbie and Richard requested them not to do when Mark was presented as the Best Man for the first toast. Everyone was politely instructed just to sit there and look at Mark with no expression and without a sound, no matter what he did. Debbie had already secretly coached her bridesmaids and her Maid of Honor, and Richard had done the same with his groomsmen.

When it was time for the toast, we presented Mark with a cordless microphone and introduced him as the Best Man. Mark proceeded to head out onto the dance floor in front of the head table, and on the way does a wonderful impersonation of someone stumbling and falling, just like Chevy Chase taking the stage. He then smilingly assures everyone that he’ll be quite brief, taking just about as much time as Richard will tonight when he makes love to Debbie. Not a sound, not a reaction, not even a movement could be detected. The presence in the Dunes Ballroom had transformed. What had been a light-hearted assemblage enjoying the pleasant dinner music and each other’s company was now completely still. Then, the coup de grace!  After about five seconds, we broke the deafening silence by playing the sound of crickets chirping! At this, Mark practically dropped his microphone and Richard burst out laughing. This served as a spontaneous signal for everyone in the room to join in—a room wide laugh that was definitely not at the expense of the Bride and Groom!